Running Revisited
DISCLAIMER: This was actually written June 7th, 2014, but I didn't publish it until now. I still feel like it needed to be published, so, here it is.
This morning I went to WW. I didn't think I'd lose this week, but I did. This week. I didn't track most of the week and I ate out. A lot. I was out of town training for work. I had intended to be eating well, to the point of bringing healthier non-perishables with me. I still bought Chinese one night and Italian the next, not failing to eat the leftovers of both respectively for breakfast the following mornings.
I was talking with my group leader about WW. I don't know why I can't commit to WW. I don't want to lose the weight so bad I can taste it, but I want to want that. That's why I keep going back. I just want to want it. I am hoping one day I will REALLY want it and achieve it.
I was talking with my coach today about this as well. She told me something I don't think I've ever heard anyone say to my face with the amount of sincerity she had. Someone may have once, but I don't recall. She told me that I am amazing. ME. I didn't believe her of course and she recognized that immediately. She told me that I am balancing being a wife and a mother and having a full time job as well as pursuing health and hobbies and passions. When you put it like that and think about that, it does seem pretty awesome. I have to see myself as this wonderful woman of many hats and cherish myself by moving and eating well and doing things that I can prove to myself I can do.
Trying to balance activities is a challenge. I want to run. I want to knit. I've given up on reading for the time being, but my son does enough of that for the two of us.
I think the reason I am afraid to give it my all is that I might succeed. I will probably lose this weight and live a life.
One of the things that I use to help beat myself up about gaining weight back is this: You were doing SO GOOD!
Look at that phrase for a minute. You were doing so good. You, meaning me. Were doing, the past tense of are doing, as in you aren't doing that anymore. So good, that which is not what is going on now. I know I gained weight back. I'm not happy about it either, but this is on me. I have to literally carry this with me everywhere I go.
My selfies aren't as great as they were last year. I don't think so, anyway. I got out of training and haven't really run in months. I gained back 40 lbs, 30 of which are still sitting here on me. I don't need anyone telling me that I was doing so good. I know. I don't need to hear the disappointment in your voice. I hear it in my own.
It's funny how people think this is going to somehow encourage you to get back to it, like a magical guilt trip. Except by funny, I mean, it's not. It's not encouraging. It is not what I need to hear from you. What I need to hear is this: Suzanne, you are going to do this. You ARE doing this. You are doing this NOW. And the person I need to hear this from is also, you guessed it, not you. That person is me. I need to tell myself these things and I need to believe myself when I say them. I've been beating myself up and telling myself that I am a failure, that I have to redo all the work, or at least a huge portion of it.
This morning I went to WW. I didn't think I'd lose this week, but I did. This week. I didn't track most of the week and I ate out. A lot. I was out of town training for work. I had intended to be eating well, to the point of bringing healthier non-perishables with me. I still bought Chinese one night and Italian the next, not failing to eat the leftovers of both respectively for breakfast the following mornings.
I was talking with my group leader about WW. I don't know why I can't commit to WW. I don't want to lose the weight so bad I can taste it, but I want to want that. That's why I keep going back. I just want to want it. I am hoping one day I will REALLY want it and achieve it.
I was talking with my coach today about this as well. She told me something I don't think I've ever heard anyone say to my face with the amount of sincerity she had. Someone may have once, but I don't recall. She told me that I am amazing. ME. I didn't believe her of course and she recognized that immediately. She told me that I am balancing being a wife and a mother and having a full time job as well as pursuing health and hobbies and passions. When you put it like that and think about that, it does seem pretty awesome. I have to see myself as this wonderful woman of many hats and cherish myself by moving and eating well and doing things that I can prove to myself I can do.
Trying to balance activities is a challenge. I want to run. I want to knit. I've given up on reading for the time being, but my son does enough of that for the two of us.
I think the reason I am afraid to give it my all is that I might succeed. I will probably lose this weight and live a life.
One of the things that I use to help beat myself up about gaining weight back is this: You were doing SO GOOD!
Look at that phrase for a minute. You were doing so good. You, meaning me. Were doing, the past tense of are doing, as in you aren't doing that anymore. So good, that which is not what is going on now. I know I gained weight back. I'm not happy about it either, but this is on me. I have to literally carry this with me everywhere I go.
My selfies aren't as great as they were last year. I don't think so, anyway. I got out of training and haven't really run in months. I gained back 40 lbs, 30 of which are still sitting here on me. I don't need anyone telling me that I was doing so good. I know. I don't need to hear the disappointment in your voice. I hear it in my own.
It's funny how people think this is going to somehow encourage you to get back to it, like a magical guilt trip. Except by funny, I mean, it's not. It's not encouraging. It is not what I need to hear from you. What I need to hear is this: Suzanne, you are going to do this. You ARE doing this. You are doing this NOW. And the person I need to hear this from is also, you guessed it, not you. That person is me. I need to tell myself these things and I need to believe myself when I say them. I've been beating myself up and telling myself that I am a failure, that I have to redo all the work, or at least a huge portion of it.
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