Want vs. Will

I'm starting a new job tomorrow, same company, new office and role.  I feel like I should be more excited about it, but I haven't met my "forever job" yet.  I really thought this last one was it.  I was pretty good at it.  I had to leave, though, because in my mind, I was hampering the growth of my coworkers.  My now former supervisor told me I can't save the world.  It's funny, because a few months ago, my psychiatrist told me something pretty similar.  She told me I should stop trying to play God in the lives of others.  She went further and told me I have enough of my own problems to face and I should be focusing on those.

Here I am, about to really do just that.  I've been assessing the situation and accumulating the tools necessary to really work on getting where I want to be in life.  Here's my disclaimer, I am not now, nor have I ever been career-centric.  I don't need to run an office or a clinic or a call center.  I want to do my job and do it well.  I achieved that at my last job, and it was time to move on.  Moving on.  I'm not nervous about this next job, because it's an accumulation of things I already know I can do.  I just have to learn the parts and learn them in the way that needs to be done at this new place.  This job is not the end of the issues in my life on which I need to focus.  It's not even the biggest problem.

My biggest problem is me.  I am so much a work in progress, not only on the me that you can see, but on the inside, as a person.  I feel like I've done a lot of internal work that other people can't see, but it's so very important to me.  Recently, I was in a situation, two of them, actually.  I managed not to get all wrapped up in unnecessary conversations and I avoided getting my feelings hurt and/or hurting someone else.  I didn't try to fix either situation.  I walked away.  You don't know how hard that is for me.  You don't know what a great triumph that is.  It's immense.  No one can see that on a scale or in a blood test.  I know it, and it's important to me.  The part people can see needs a lot of work.

My body has been the subject of years of abuse and neglect.  This is where a little phrase my therapist threw out there is going to come in very handy.  What are you willing to do?  This really got my brain factory going.  It's been bouncing around up there for about 6 weeks now and yesterday I was able to make connections.  She had presented the concept in a very visual way.  She asked me how many of my son's poop diapers I WANTED to change.  The answer in all truth is none.  Then, she flipped it and asked how many I was WILLING to change.  Light bulb.  I revisit this conversation every so often and yesterday was one of those times.  What is my current poop diaper?  Seriously, it's eating vegetables.  Yes, I know I'm a grown up and probably should be out of this phase, but, no.  I need to be willing to eat the vegetables.  

The reason this all came up is because I was hanging out at a local grocery store with my friend, who is by trade a registered dietitian.  We were looking at the produce.  I really only bought some sweet potatoes and fresh salad, as well as some cans of beans.  I avoid veggies like the plague, unless someone else makes them in an appealing way.  I'll even eat beets if they're roasted (not by me) and surrounded by arugula, balsamic dressing, copious amounts of goat cheese, and more likely than not candied walnuts.  I mean, surrounded by all that, one can almost forget the beets are in there, except you can't because you still taste the dirty beet flavor in the middle of the symphony of the other delicious flavors in that salad.  I try every so often to eat the beets, and by every so often, I mean once a year or every other.  I have to forget how much I don't like them to try them again.

I am willing to try other vegetables and find recipes that make them amazing.  You know, I never ate sweet potatoes until I was 39 years old.  I found that I really like them.  I like sweet potato fries better than regular ones.  I love a bed of mashed sweet potato topped with a fried egg for breakfast.  Seriously, anything topped with fried eggs is just better.  Salad greens with a touch of balsamic dressing, maybe a sprinkling of goat cheese crumbles and over medium fried eggs on top is my idea of the perfect quick eating meal.  DH and I were at the store and I picked up a small container of fall vegetables, ready for roasting.  I think I sauteed them in a pan, but I know that they weren't bad.  I rather liked them or at least didn't totally hate them.  I'd probably eat them again.  

I am working on plotting out my new work out routine.  I bought a program that I really need to spend a little more time reading.  I got through the most important part yesterday, but I need to plan my strategy.  Now that I'll be working an hour later, I will be getting up at the same time and going to the gym in the morning during the extra hour.  I found a strength training program formulated specifically for women.  It has 4 progressive skill levels and I am starting out at beginner because it's been a while for me since I was a regular at the gym.  I am confident that as long as I am WILLING to get my butt to the gym and do this, I will see results.

I'm excited about the prospect of working good habits into my new routine and about pursuing health.  It only eludes me because I'm not usually diligent in chasing it.  That's a story for another time.