12.13.14
I'm weighing in. It's been a while since I've written anything. I got some big news several weeks ago and I shut down. It may not have been life altering for you and I really don't want to know what you might have done. I know what I should have done, but it is not what I did. What I did was shut down. I got so overwhelmed with options for handling and managing my DS's new but not surprising ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) diagnosis. Not to leave well enough alone, that was paired with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Neither was a surprise, but that doesn't mean they were welcomed.
If you've read anything here or on my Suzanneism page on Facebook, you know that I have been trying to manage life with ADHD myself. I believe that my own diagnosis and research to try to manage this is going to be a blessing and asset in raising my son. He doesn't know it yet, but I understand a lot more about his very active brain because of my own. I don't really want to get into it, because the neurologically typical people like to tell me "everyone does that or is like that." Really? No. No, they aren't. If they were, I wouldn't be so weird. Everyone might have understood me better when I was a child. Everyone told me I was so sensitive. Everyone wondered why I was eating all the time. Everyone wondered why I couldn't just be normal. Here's your answer. I'm not normal. I am Suzanne. I am wired differently and I am good with that. I am beautiful and different. I struggle with things that other people manage with ease. This brings me to my next point.
I'm weighing in today in another sense. I stepped on the scale. I weigh 320 pounds. I am so very far from the 261.5 I managed to reach last year. As the weight started to creep on, it felt like I was in a hole that was slowly being filled with water. Now, I am neck deep in it. It almost feels debilitating. I've lost most of the strength I had and seriously for the first time I FEEL fat. Because I was always heavy before, my body adapted with each added pound and I became stronger as my weight gradually increased. Well, with last year's loss, my body started adapting to that and I have grown weak. Some days, I struggle to walk from one end of the hospital to another. By the time I reach my destination, my lower back aches. I am ashamed to even admit this, but I have to do it. This is real. This is not a thing I can deny anymore. I hate feeling like this.
My eating habits have been garbage again. I know better. I haven't been tracking. I know what to do. I have been overwhelmed in other areas of my life and I have not put the time nor energy into food preparation. Some may see it as lazy, but it's really more like being in shock, but only in your mind where others can't see it. I can almost hear it now, "Just get back to it! Let me give you XYZ or what works for me is ABC!" I'm going to let you in on a little secret that many never-been-truly-obese people don't know. People who weigh a lot usually know a lot about weight loss. I've been on many diets in my lifetime. I started my first one when I was 9 years old. I know how to lose weight. I don't need your advice or gimmicks or shakes or pills or smoothies or cards or wheels or books. My problem isn't ignorance.
My problem is also not self loathing. I don't hate myself at any size. Here's another shocker, neither does my husband. Some men out there may find me utterly repulsive. That's just fine. I am repulsed by such people. My husband on the other hand tells me that I am and makes me feel beautiful on the daily. He is neurotypical married to an ADHD wife. He doesn't always understand why I behave the way I do, but he tries. Because of my ADHD, he has a head start parenting our beloved boy who also puzzles him with his behavior. We're trying to figure out together what is going to work with our boy who is a hyperactive puzzle box. Can you imagine what our life would be like if my DH was superficial and so grossed out by my size? Do you think we'd be able to work this out together? I certainly don't.
My problem is that I mindlessly eat. My problem is that I eat out of boredom or as a coping mechanism for when I emotionally shut down. My problem is I have not been tracking my food OR listening to my body hunger or fullness cues. My problem is that I got away from all the good habits I had and went back to the ones that were no good for me. Here is what I learned. I am going to have to be mindful of everything I eat for the rest of my life because my brain is not wired to lose the weight and magically keep it off. I am going to have to trade in hobby eating for hobby exercise. I miss running. I hate not being able to work out for an hour because my large body doesn't have the stamina right now. Christmas candy is straight from the devil. :)
If you've read anything here or on my Suzanneism page on Facebook, you know that I have been trying to manage life with ADHD myself. I believe that my own diagnosis and research to try to manage this is going to be a blessing and asset in raising my son. He doesn't know it yet, but I understand a lot more about his very active brain because of my own. I don't really want to get into it, because the neurologically typical people like to tell me "everyone does that or is like that." Really? No. No, they aren't. If they were, I wouldn't be so weird. Everyone might have understood me better when I was a child. Everyone told me I was so sensitive. Everyone wondered why I was eating all the time. Everyone wondered why I couldn't just be normal. Here's your answer. I'm not normal. I am Suzanne. I am wired differently and I am good with that. I am beautiful and different. I struggle with things that other people manage with ease. This brings me to my next point.
I'm weighing in today in another sense. I stepped on the scale. I weigh 320 pounds. I am so very far from the 261.5 I managed to reach last year. As the weight started to creep on, it felt like I was in a hole that was slowly being filled with water. Now, I am neck deep in it. It almost feels debilitating. I've lost most of the strength I had and seriously for the first time I FEEL fat. Because I was always heavy before, my body adapted with each added pound and I became stronger as my weight gradually increased. Well, with last year's loss, my body started adapting to that and I have grown weak. Some days, I struggle to walk from one end of the hospital to another. By the time I reach my destination, my lower back aches. I am ashamed to even admit this, but I have to do it. This is real. This is not a thing I can deny anymore. I hate feeling like this.
My eating habits have been garbage again. I know better. I haven't been tracking. I know what to do. I have been overwhelmed in other areas of my life and I have not put the time nor energy into food preparation. Some may see it as lazy, but it's really more like being in shock, but only in your mind where others can't see it. I can almost hear it now, "Just get back to it! Let me give you XYZ or what works for me is ABC!" I'm going to let you in on a little secret that many never-been-truly-obese people don't know. People who weigh a lot usually know a lot about weight loss. I've been on many diets in my lifetime. I started my first one when I was 9 years old. I know how to lose weight. I don't need your advice or gimmicks or shakes or pills or smoothies or cards or wheels or books. My problem isn't ignorance.
My problem is also not self loathing. I don't hate myself at any size. Here's another shocker, neither does my husband. Some men out there may find me utterly repulsive. That's just fine. I am repulsed by such people. My husband on the other hand tells me that I am and makes me feel beautiful on the daily. He is neurotypical married to an ADHD wife. He doesn't always understand why I behave the way I do, but he tries. Because of my ADHD, he has a head start parenting our beloved boy who also puzzles him with his behavior. We're trying to figure out together what is going to work with our boy who is a hyperactive puzzle box. Can you imagine what our life would be like if my DH was superficial and so grossed out by my size? Do you think we'd be able to work this out together? I certainly don't.
My problem is that I mindlessly eat. My problem is that I eat out of boredom or as a coping mechanism for when I emotionally shut down. My problem is I have not been tracking my food OR listening to my body hunger or fullness cues. My problem is that I got away from all the good habits I had and went back to the ones that were no good for me. Here is what I learned. I am going to have to be mindful of everything I eat for the rest of my life because my brain is not wired to lose the weight and magically keep it off. I am going to have to trade in hobby eating for hobby exercise. I miss running. I hate not being able to work out for an hour because my large body doesn't have the stamina right now. Christmas candy is straight from the devil. :)
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