The Autumn of my Discontent

My mindset isn't the best right now.  I'm discouraged and disheartened.  I am going to illustrate why and do my best to exclude any excuses.

I put myself on the shelf.  I stopped doing what I needed to do.  In doing so, I deprived myself of the momentum I had going.  I am not beating myself up for it anymore, but it remains a disappointment.

Life changed.  My husband started working.  I was thrilled.  I needed to learn how to work around his schedule and work my son's schedule around ours or vice versa.  In the two months he's been working, he, without even trying, has lost many inches and 20 lbs.  I have gained 55 lbs in the past year.

I weighed myself this morning and was back up over 300 lbs.  I weighed in at 306.  I am not happy about this.  I entered my weight on myfitnesspal.com and tracked my breakfast.

I called my brother this morning.  He said something to me that was just too good to ignore.  He said, "We make many choices everyday. It's like a Choose Your Own Adventure Book, but it's your life."  He didn't say "it's your life" like it's up to you, he said it like this is the principle upon which these books are based, but applied to your real existence.  It's your LIFE.  

My main problem is longevity in consistency.  I forget and slip into old habits.  I am not cognizant all the time of all the things.  It's like driving a car with manual transmission.  After a while, your feet and hands just know what to do and you don't even have to think about it.  The thing is that I DO have to think about it.  ALL. THE. TIME.

I am so tired of thinking about it.  I am tired of this life that I thought I'd left behind.  I am tired of being tired.  

This weekend, I am straightening up my home.  It will again become the refuge for the end of my day.  Clutter is like the white noise that distracts me from the things I need to get done.  I become distracted and forget my goals, because I see my chaos.  Why do I bring this up? you ask.  I address this because my life is a beautiful, disorganized mess.   I never get anything done, because I see the mess and I shut down.  I am overwhelmed by everything there is to do and am somehow unable to do one thing at a time without considering everything else that needs to be done.

I have a lot I need to address in my life.  Fortunately, I have lots of support.