Why I'm Not Judging Rachel

I've been thinking about this for a whole day now.  I get the attraction of the concept of The Biggest Loser show.  The audience roots for the underdogs, and they're all underdogs.  They want to see the fat people push through their weight and, hopefully, finally, look "normal," to see them "conquer" their fat selves.   Every single one of those contestants comes to the show, begging for the opportunity to get set free from themselves as the whole of America tunes in each week, gaping and salivating.  Being Fat is the last punishable social flaw and the condemnation of it is still out of the grasp of the politically correct.

Here's the thing.  It was never the business of the audience what any of them weighs.  The producers were able to create this show and people ate it up.  I used to watch it almost religiously myself.  There is so much more to a person than his or her weight.  Don't get me wrong, it's a huge accomplishment to lose 100 lbs. One day, I may know that feeling firsthand.  I admire the people that are able to commit to a lifestyle change and lose weight, if that's what they want to do.  However, I don't think any less of people that don't.  I believe everyone is on his or her own journey and each of us is responsible for what we do in the lifespan we are afforded.  I'll get back to this thought later. 

About the weight thing, yes, I put my weight out there on this blog when I feel like it, and I can.  It's my blog. No one is forcing me to be proud nor ashamed of how much I weigh.  I don't HAVE to come back every week and post photos of a sad-faced, fat woman on a scale for you.  Even if it brought you back on a regular basis, I wouldn't do it for that reason.  I am not sad.  I am not fat.  I HAVE fat, but I am a woman.  I am a woman with feelings.  I am also a woman who does not need the approval of the world.  I only really want approval from myself.  I have that.  I like who I am.  I am enjoying the ride.  I have so many wonderful people in my life that exude qualities I hope to emulate. 

I am very blessed.  I can wake up in the morning, when I'm not working, of course, to a man who has loved me as much at 240 lbs. as he has at 340 lbs.  I'm sure he would love me just as much at 140 lbs, if I ever chose to go there.  I have his support and love and encouragement to do whatever it is that makes me happy.  He is just as content to stay home with our son to allow me to go and knit with my Thursday night knitting Meetup as he is to do the same so I can go to the gym and workout with a friend.  He has no desire to do these things with me, but wants me to be free to do what I like and if that means I find other people with whom to do them, so be it.  He never complains.  He doesn't feel neglected.  If I'm not eating a certain thing, I don't restrict his dietary intake.  He goes with me to the store and we buy whatever we need together.  I seriously have the single most supportive man in the world as my husband.  I'm humbled just thinking about it!

Last year, going home from a race, I asked him, "Why do you let me do all this?"  He answered, "Because you like it."  I laughed.  I don't like it.  I don't like all the hard work.  I don't like getting tired and sweaty.  I don't even really like running or exercising all that much.  I told him this.  He wanted to know why I do this.  "Because I can.  Because I have to prove to myself that I can."  I am not doing any of this because it's fun.  I am doing this because I need to know that I can.  

About the Biggest Loser, if anything, I am a bit jealous of Rachel.  I'm not jealous of her because of her weight.  I am jealous of the determination and discipline it took to get there.  She worked hard to win and win she did.  I have no interest in weighing 105 lbs, even though, according to our government, I should weigh somewhere between 98 and 128 lbs.  No one is looking at that, though.  People are looking at her face, her arms, her legs.  She is the one who has to live with the consequences.  Not you, nor I.  For me, I will look within.  I will continue to battle the voice that tells me to quit, that tells me this doesn't matter.  It does matter.  It matters to me.

Since I am responsible for myself and my own actions, I am pressing on.  If I feel like it, which I probably will, I'll write about it here.  I've found that this blog is an invaluable outlet for me.  I didn't realize how much I enjoy writing.  I don't like it enough to do it every day, but when the mood strikes, I'm not a half bad writer. One of my biggest blog fans is my mom.  I didn't even know it or think about it, but we were talking about it one day and she told me what a good writer she thought I was.  I was surprised because I had never really thought of myself as a writer, good, bad or indifferent.

I guess what I'm learning from all of this is that there is so much more to me than just to run or get healthy or to knit or to write.  I am becoming the woman I had hoped I would be.  I measure success by my own standards.  I am comfortable in my own skin.  I welcome my graying hairs.  I laugh at laugh lines.  I have love and joy in my life.  God gives me peace.  I am inspired.  I don't want to waste any more time.  I want to relish the moments, but to do that, I need to make them.